Safewords in BDSM

If you ask BDSM practitioners around the world what makes them different from crazed killers they'll all respond with the same answer: "consent." The next answer that will most likely follow is "safety." What do these things mean though and how do they apply to BDSM?

Well, consent is a fairly simple matter in principle: if someone says "yes" they want to do something, they have consented. If they say anything other than that (ie: no, maybe, I don't know, etc.) then they haven't consented to the activity, which then becomes abuse rather than kinky bedroom fun.
Yes means yes, and only yes means yes.

People like to twist the idea of consent around to make things more muddy, but really, if you're not 100% sure that your partner wants to engage in an activity, just don't do it. I could continue on this point for hours; honestly I just don't want to though so we're moving on.

"Safety" is the next big thing that everyone pushes for BDSM play; after all, if you don't play safely then you can't play again, and that is no fun. So what does safety look like? How do we ensure safety? Proper equipment, learning the skills before applying them, hydration...the list really goes on and on depending on what type of play you're doing. One thing you see in porn, tv shows, books, and so on is the ever popular "safeword."

A safeword is a word of phrase that means all activity must stop once it is said, that consent for whatever activity has been revoked. Personally, I have a few problems with safewords and the mentality that usually follows them.

1. Using a safeword doesn't mean you've failed.  I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that they thought about using their safeword but didn't because they wanted to see if they could make it (and usually end up regretting that they didn't). If you're at the point that you're considering ending the scene, you're already in the mindset that you're not having fun anymore. Just end the scene and (if you so choose) try again some other time. Any number of things could make someone feel like they can't continue anymore, you haven't failed anything because you've decided to listen to your body and/or mind and decided to stop what was going on. Just because you said "yes" once, doesn't mean you have to keep enduring it once things start.
2. Safewords aren't just for the bottom, person having things done to them, to use. If a top doesn't want to be a part of the activity any more, they have just as much right to end things. Just like a bottom hasn't failed a scene for calling the scene, neither does the top if they want to end things. Feel like your arm is going to fall off from giving too many spankings? Then stop. If you harm yourself while trying to look like "super-top" then chances are you're just going to look like a fool when you can barely move later.
3. Safewords can't be used with a ball gag in. It doesn't take long to find someone's fantasy of being bound and gagged while things happen to them. What they don't take into account is how they're going to say for things to stop once that gag is in. Sure, some ball gags are just small enough that you might be able to push them out of your mouth, but what if that doesn't work? If you're going to play with ball gags, have an alternative method for signally "stop." Simplest idea includes holding something in your hand. Once that item is dropped, everything stops.
4. Safewords shouldn't be commonplace. Safewords were designed specifically for the purpose of giving a separate word for a particularly intense scene where "no" has been negotiated away (consensual non-consent scenes). These scenes are specially negotiated so that someone screaming "no" and "please stop" at the top of their lungs means nothing and is just part of the play. Safewords aren't meant for taking "no" out of people's vocabulary, yet that seems to be what it has done.
5. Safewords shouldn't be used with just anyone. If you're playing to such a level that "no" doesn't mean anything, you should know the person pretty freakin' well beforehand. If you start a scene with someone you've just met and they tell you that your "no" doesn't mean anything, you should probably find someone else to play with.
6. Safewords are a terrible idea for newbies. When you're brand new to the BDSM scene, your mind will still be set on the idea of yes and no meaning exactly what they are, as they should be. If you step into a setting and suddenly have to remember that "pineapple" now means "no" and that no matter how often you scream "no" help won't come, there are a few things that will happen. First, you'll probably become so focused on remembering "pineapple" that you won't be able to fully enjoy what is going on because "oh goodness, I have to remember this word just in case they do something I don't like...did I like that? I don't know. Should I say 'pineapple?' Should I keep going?" Often times at the first sign of something someone isn't sure of (or startled by), they'll immediately yell out the chosen safeword because they've been so focused on it. (This happens more than you can imagine) The other thing that is likely to happen is that this obscure word that has never had any meaning before this instance will simply get lost in your mind while you play and when you need it, will be gone. If you're brand new, stick to common language you're already familiar with. "Yes," "no," "that hurts in a bad way," etc. are all acceptable things to say.
7. The commonplace of safewords has created a hostile environment. Far too often I hear the snide jabs of fellow sadists saying things like "'no' isn't a safeword" or "'stop it' just makes me want to hit you harder." Can these phrases be used in the right scene to make things that much more intense? Definitely! Hell, I've had scenes where I might have said something like that to them, but it was negotiated ahead of time that it would be that kind of scene. When phrases like that make it into common conversation at local munches or while people are sitting around chatting, how safe do you think that newbie is going to feel? You've just told them that their "no" means nothing. As more and more of the "'50 Shades of Grey' Crowd" make it out into public play spaces, we are going to get more and more newbies into the public scenes. If we're going to say that we're not abusers, then we can't start them off with the notion that they aren't safe the second they walk into the door.
8. Communication can't start and stop with safewords. Whether you're starting your scene, ending it, or mid-way through, communication has to keep going. That doesn't mean that you have to pull yourself out of head-space to say "I'm good" every 5 minutes, it does however mean that before things get to the point of wanting to call a safeword, you should be relaying information to your partner. If you've been standing on one foot for quite a while and you don't think you can do it much longer without causing harm to yourself, say something. If your swinging arm is about to give out, give them a heads up. While many experienced players can get a decent read off of their partner's bodily reactions to things, no one is perfect. If we can fix something before it becomes a major problem and keep playing for longer, let us know.
   
   If a safeword is called, don't just end the scene and be done with it. Talk about what happened. What went wrong? Can it be prevented for next time? Will there be a next time? Do they need medical assistance? There is a plethora of questions that can be asked at this point. Try to give your partner whatever information you can. Sometimes this might not be possible.

All that being said, do safewords have a place in the BDSM lifestyle? Of course they do. They serve a very specific purpose of keeping those who play at the edge of boundaries from falling off the edge. You could be into tickling and not want "no" to mean that they should stop, or you could be having an intense spanking session; the type of play is irrelevant really.

Personally I don't use safewords in my dynamic. My partner knows to give me the information I need to make decisions on whether a scene will keep going or not; from that point I choose whether he comes down or not. This isn't something I suggest for newbies. This is simply the way he and I live. This is something we've discussed at length and decided for ourselves. There is a great deal of trust that goes into something like that, on both sides of the coin. He has to trust that I'm not going to go past what he can handled and I have to trust that he isn't going to turn around and call foul on me.

Whether you decide to play with or without safewords, I hope that at least know you have a little more knowledge to make an informed decision on whether you should use them or not. If you have questions, please feel free to post them in the comment section.

-Stay positive

Leather Toy Life Expectancy (via Adrenalize)

To improve the quality of our toys and the service we provide our toy buying family, we are always looking to other vendors to see what we can improve. Whether it is requests for new products, different colors, or price changes, we try to do what we can to make you, our family, happy.

It was brought to our attention recently that new customers might miss out on the benefit our lifetime warranty provides because we don't advertise it as often as we are told we should. While we definitely have no desire to hide our warranty, we simply didn't realize that a long warranty wasn't standard.

To put this into perspective, you often hear about people talking about leather jackets and boots that they've had for 20 years and no one bats an eyelash. Why would they? It's leather! Leather items are known to last, even as long as to be hand-me-downs from grandparents to grandchildren.

So why should you expect any less from your leather toys? We often see people who have been in the BDSM lifestyle say that they've had a certain set of floggers since day one, 20 years ago, when they started into the lifestyle. Suddenly, no one can believe the toys are that old! Why shouldn't they be that old though? They're leather.

Yes toys get beat up, so do motorcycle vests though. Riding chaps and saddles? They tend to see some of the worst wear and tear. So, why can't we expect the same from our leather toys?

The problem mainly comes down to craftsmanship and care.

Many toy vendors give a warranty of 1 year, just 1 year! If you see that timeline on an electronic item you know that after 1 year, it is going to fail and need replacing. So what does that say about those toys? They need replaced in 1 year? Given that most BDSM practitioners don't play every weekend, or even every month some times, that means that some of those toys are only seeing 1 or 2 scenes before they're expected to fall apart.

The other side of it is caring for your toys. How do you store them? In a rubbermaid bin or a breathable canvas bag? Ideally you want your leather items to be able to breathe, they are made of skin after-all. Learning quick and easy cleaning and conditioning can also prolong the life of your toys, and it is something that might only need to be done once every 6 months or so.

With Adrenalize Leather products we guarantee our craftsmanship for life; not the life of the toy, which we expect you to replace next year, but for as long as we are still around and able to keep working on leather. That's right, if you buy something and 20 years later it breaks, we'll fix it!

Let's stop making it ok for people to waste money on toys that are meant to fall apart, and let's make sure they get toys that are going to last. Save each other from low quality toys and hold those vendors accountable for their work. If you don't, who will?

Common Play Types in BDSM

WARNING: Many play types are inherently dangerous if you are not experienced with them. Please do not attempt any of these without proper research and instruction!
 
Here is a list of some of the more common play types you might see or hear about in the BDSM lifestyle:

• Age Play: Often portrayed as a non-sexual Daddy or Mommy and child dynamic, but can also include other dynamics where an age difference changes the way the participants interact with each other.

• Anal Play: Play that involves the anus, such as:
• Anal Torture
• Butt Plugs
• Pegging  - A woman penetrating a man's anus with a strap-on dildo

• Bondage: There are a wide range of different types of bondage, some for aesthetic purposes while others serve for the practical purpose of binding someone to something. Common bondage types include:
• Leather Cuffs and Straps
• Rope Bondage (which are broken down further into different styles such as "Western" and "Eastern" based on tying styles and aesthetics)
• Rope Suspensions
• Mummification - Use of plastic sheeting or plastic wrap to bind a person, similar to the look of ancient mummies
• Scarves, Neck Ties, Etc.
• Caging and Confinement (which uses cages and other structures to confine someone rather than rope or straps)

• Clamps and Clothespins: The use of various clips, clamps, and clothespins to pinch areas of the body

• Electricity Play: Play done with vary specific equipment that causes safe electric stimulus, such as:
• Violet Wand
• TENS Unit
• E-Stim

• Fire Play: Play that involves small, controlled amounts of fire to stimulate the skin for short amounts of time

• Forced Orgasms: A type of play where the recipient is forced to endure (typically) multiple orgasms

• Humiliation / Degradation: A type of play that involves any number of activities or verbal remarks to make someone feel humiliated or degraded.

• Impact Play: An umbrella term for play styles that involve hitting someone with an implement or part of your own body, including (but not limited to):
• Floggers
• Whips 
• Paddles
• Canes
• Crops
• Spankings
• Pummeling  

• Pet Play / Pony Play / Puppy Play, etc: A type of play where the participants act like a specific animal of their choosing and interact their human owner and / or other human animals. This type of play has nothing to do with Beastiality!

• Wax Play: Play that involves dripping, pouring, or other methods of applying melted wax to another person.

There are many other types of play to explore, so if you don't see something that sparks your interest here, keep checking back for more info!
 

Common Terms and Phrases in BDSM

Now that we’ve covered the basics of BDSM, what are some common terms one might hear in the lifestyle?

A Scene, or Play, is when two or more people are involved in an activity related to BDSM during a specific time period (usually anywhere from a few minutes to a couple hours, but rarely longer than that). An example of a “scene” might be someone giving their partner spankings or tying them up.

Negotiation is a conversation (or series of conversations) that happen before play occurs between two or more people. This is a great time for discussing the things each of you are interested in, not interested in, or possibly interested in. This is not the time to try to convince someone to do the things you want to do to or with them.

Safewords are commonly used throughout the BDSM lifestyle as an alternative way to say “no” or “stop.” Why do this rather than actually saying “no” or “stop?” For some there is an extra thrill to knowing that their “no” might not be valid once activity starts, but they still need a way to end things (if they do go too far). This is all discussed before anything starts, and is in no way a requirement to have a good time. Always be comfortable in what you’re doing before you take away your default method for getting help.

Play parties are parties set up (typically in someone’s home) where people go to spend time with others in the BDSM lifestyle in a relatively private setting. Usually there is some furniture available specifically for bondage and other forms of play.

Munches are vanilla friendly get-togethers for kinky people that are typically held at some form of restaurant. They serve as a safe meet-and-greet situation, especially for those new to their local community, where you can get to know other lifestyle people without feeling pressured to get involved with any type of play. In some cases the goal is just socialization, but many offer classes and lead discussions as well as a way to spread announcements for the local community.

Public dungeons and other public play-spaces are businesses that offer safe places for people to engage in BDSM activities. While the rules for access for each place may be different, typically they require some form of membership to enter in order to keep within city code limitations. Most dungeons and public play spaces also offer a variety of classes, both classroom and one-on-one setting, to help educate their local communities on a variety of BDSM related topics. They are often also a great place to find BDSM related toys and equipment available for purchase.

“Play partner” is the term for people who engage in scenes together, but don’t have an intimate or d/s (dominant/submissive) relationship outside of that.

Toys are the implements and items used in various BDSM related activities (such as whips, crops, canes, and rope). When these items are kept in a suitcase or bag for ease of being able to carry them, it is called a “toy bag.”

Next up: Types of play!

Stay positive!

BDSM 101

Congratulations. You’ve found the exciting world of BDSM. Perhaps you read about it in a book, saw it in a video, or heard about it from some friends. Something about it intrigued you, whether it was just a few days ago or years ago, and now you’re looking for more. Before we get into the “how-to” of specific activities you may have heard of or witnessed, let’s start with the basics. What is BDSM?

BDSM is the name for a lifestyle that most relate to bondage, sex, and pain. It actually breaks down into being Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D/s), and Sadism and Masochism (S&M). Essentially, BDSM is a shortened version of BDDSSM, because who wants to feel like they’re stuttering when they speak? While BDSM covers as an umbrella term for all of those activities, they aren’t necessarily all done or related to each other by those involved in the lifestyle. Here’s how the parts break down.

Bondage deals with physical restraints. Whether that means leather cuffs, rope, silk ties, or whatever other binding method one might choose, it all relates back to physically restraining someone.

Discipline relates to the psychological restrictions. While rope and other such implements may bind the body, discipline is meant to control the actions of a person through behavior adjustments. Some examples of such may be rules for how to behave in public and the consequences for following or not following those rules. An easier example for some is to think back to how a child may be disciplined by their parent.

Dominance and Submission both deal with the receiving or giving of power over a person. Dominance, is the receiving of power (which makes that person the dominant partner); and Submission is the giving of power (from the submissive partner). There are a wide variety of titles on both the dominant and submissive side of the relationship, each of which are specific to a person’s preferences. Lastly, there is another title for those who like to be on both ends of the “power exchange” called being a Switch.

Sadism and Masochism, like Dominance and Submission, deal with two ends of a spectrum, but instead of it being “power exchange” this spectrum deals with pain. Masochists enjoy receiving pain and Sadists enjoy causing pain. Again, there are those who enjoy both sides. Those people are Sadomasochists.

Top, Bottom, and Switch are terms used to describe the position someone is in during a scene. The “Top” for a scene is the person doing the activity to the other person (tying them up, for example). The “Bottom” for a scene is the person having the activity done to them (being tied). As with the situation with dominance and submission, Switches in this case enjoy both topping and bottoming.

It is fairly common for most to assume that the dominant partner will always be the Top/ Sadist, thus making the submissive partner the Bottom/ Masochist. Though commonly expected, this isn’t always the case. There are domiants who are masochistic, submissives who are sadistic, and just about every other mixture you could possibly put together.

I know that last part can get a bit confusing, so this might make things a little easier:

• Dominant, Submissive, and Switch – Have to do the with power exchange in the relationship between people

• Sadist, Masochist, and Sadomasochist – Have to do with the giving or receiving of pain

• Top, Bottom, and Switch – Have to do with the role someone takes during a specific scene

o   Yes “Switch” gets used for multiple categories as it has to do with “switching” both in the relationship sense (or power exchange) as well as their role in scenes or play

The way people identify with those titles varies from person to person. There is no “one way” or “true way” to be involved in the BDSM lifestyle; the same is true for personal identity when it comes to others telling you how you should identify. Do what works best for you.

Lastly, take everything you hear, read, see, etc. with a grain of salt. Question everything. If something doesn’t seem right, walk away. You always have the right to say “no.” Always.

Coming up next: Common Terms and Phrases in BDSM

Stay positive!

Welcome to Kink+

As the title says, welcome to Kink+ (or "Kink Positive")!

Lately there has been this wonderful push for sex positive thinking; the idea that instead of making sex a "bad word" and hoping it will just go away, we should embrace the fact that we as human beings have sex and should talk about what that means. We need to talk about the fact that there are usually consequences that come along with having sex, whether good or bad, and how to prevent or handle those consequences.

Sex positive thinking is helping decriminalize sex as a whole (though there is still lots of work to be done there) and bringing new information out to those who so desperately need it.

Recently BDSM and the Kink Lifestyle has made a much larger appearance than history has previously allowed due to media and social networking. As sex becomes less and less taboo, so do some of the activities that are often associated with sex. What was once something you might see in "hard-core" pornography is now being printed in books that are displayed in shopping mall windows. "Bondage" has become a common term amongst giggles and whispers of those whom have indulged in some extra-curricular reading, but how many people understand what is really involved?

With Kink+ I hope to bridge the gap between the Kink and Non-Kink worlds. I want to answer the questions many are too afraid to ask, but are still burning to come out. Why? Because there is no harm in adding a little something extra to your life. Because the activities we in the Kink Lifestyle engage in can be dangerous without the right knowledge. Because a little bit of interest doesn't mean you have to jump into the deep end. Because there are some great things both worlds can learn from each other.

There are countless other reasons that could be covered; all in all it comes down to spreading knowledge, awareness, and being open to new ideas.
 

Stay positive.