Well, consent is a fairly simple matter in principle: if someone says "yes" they want to do something, they have consented. If they say anything other than that (ie: no, maybe, I don't know, etc.) then they haven't consented to the activity, which then becomes abuse rather than kinky bedroom fun.
Yes means yes, and only yes means yes.
People like to twist the idea of consent around to make things more muddy, but really, if you're not 100% sure that your partner wants to engage in an activity, just don't do it. I could continue on this point for hours; honestly I just don't want to though so we're moving on.
"Safety" is the next big thing that everyone pushes for BDSM play; after all, if you don't play safely then you can't play again, and that is no fun. So what does safety look like? How do we ensure safety? Proper equipment, learning the skills before applying them, hydration...the list really goes on and on depending on what type of play you're doing. One thing you see in porn, tv shows, books, and so on is the ever popular "safeword."
A safeword is a word of phrase that means all activity must stop once it is said, that consent for whatever activity has been revoked. Personally, I have a few problems with safewords and the mentality that usually follows them.
- Using a safeword doesn't mean you've failed. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that they thought about using their safeword but didn't because they wanted to see if they could make it (and usually end up regretting that they didn't). If you're at the point that you're considering ending the scene, you're already in the mindset that you're not having fun anymore. Just end the scene and (if you so choose) try again some other time. Any number of things could make someone feel like they can't continue anymore, you haven't failed anything because you've decided to listen to your body and/or mind and decided to stop what was going on. Just because you said "yes" once, doesn't mean you have to keep enduring it once things start.
- Safewords aren't just for the bottom, person having things done to them, to use. If a top doesn't want to be a part of the activity any more, they have just as much right to end things. Just like a bottom hasn't failed a scene for calling the scene, neither does the top if they want to end things. Feel like your arm is going to fall off from giving too many spankings? Then stop. If you harm yourself while trying to look like "super-top" then chances are you're just going to look like a fool when you can barely move later.
- Safewords can't be used with a ball gag in. It doesn't take long to find someone's fantasy of being bound and gagged while things happen to them. What they don't take into account is how they're going to say for things to stop once that gag is in. Sure, some ball gags are just small enough that you might be able to push them out of your mouth, but what if that doesn't work? If you're going to play with ball gags, have an alternative method for signally "stop." Simplest idea includes holding something in your hand. Once that item is dropped, everything stops.
- Safewords shouldn't be commonplace. Safewords were designed specifically for the purpose of giving a separate word for a particularly intense scene where "no" has been negotiated away (consensual non-consent scenes). These scenes are specially negotiated so that someone screaming "no" and "please stop" at the top of their lungs means nothing and is just part of the play. Safewords aren't meant for taking "no" out of people's vocabulary, yet that seems to be what it has done.
- Safewords shouldn't be used with just anyone. If you're playing to such a level that "no" doesn't mean anything, you should know the person pretty freakin' well beforehand. If you start a scene with someone you've just met and they tell you that your "no" doesn't mean anything, you should probably find someone else to play with.
- Safewords are a terrible idea for newbies. When you're brand new to the BDSM scene, your mind will still be set on the idea of yes and no meaning exactly what they are, as they should be. If you step into a setting and suddenly have to remember that "pineapple" now means "no" and that no matter how often you scream "no" help won't come, there are a few things that will happen. First, you'll probably become so focused on remembering "pineapple" that you won't be able to fully enjoy what is going on because "oh goodness, I have to remember this word just in case they do something I don't like...did I like that? I don't know. Should I say 'pineapple?' Should I keep going?" Often times at the first sign of something someone isn't sure of (or startled by), they'll immediately yell out the chosen safeword because they've been so focused on it. (This happens more than you can imagine) The other thing that is likely to happen is that this obscure word that has never had any meaning before this instance will simply get lost in your mind while you play and when you need it, will be gone. If you're brand new, stick to common language you're already familiar with. "Yes," "no," "that hurts in a bad way," etc. are all acceptable things to say.
- The commonplace of safewords has created a hostile environment. Far too often I hear the snide jabs of fellow sadists saying things like "'no' isn't a safeword" or "'stop it' just makes me want to hit you harder." Can these phrases be used in the right scene to make things that much more intense? Definitely! Hell, I've had scenes where I might have said something like that to them, but it was negotiated ahead of time that it would be that kind of scene. When phrases like that make it into common conversation at local munches or while people are sitting around chatting, how safe do you think that newbie is going to feel? You've just told them that their "no" means nothing. As more and more of the "'50 Shades of Grey' Crowd" make it out into public play spaces, we are going to get more and more newbies into the public scenes. If we're going to say that we're not abusers, then we can't start them off with the notion that they aren't safe the second they walk into the door.
- Communication can't start and stop with safewords. Whether you're starting your scene, ending it, or mid-way through, communication has to keep going. That doesn't mean that you have to pull yourself out of head-space to say "I'm good" every 5 minutes, it does however mean that before things get to the point of wanting to call a safeword, you should be relaying information to your partner. If you've been standing on one foot for quite a while and you don't think you can do it much longer without causing harm to yourself, say something. If your swinging arm is about to give out, give them a heads up. While many experienced players can get a decent read off of their partner's bodily reactions to things, no one is perfect. If we can fix something before it becomes a major problem and keep playing for longer, let us know.
If a safeword is called, don't just end the scene and be done with it. Talk about what happened. What went wrong? Can it be prevented for next time? Will there be a next time? Do they need medical assistance? There is a plethora of questions that can be asked at this point. Try to give your partner whatever information you can. Sometimes this might not be possible.
Personally I don't use safewords in my dynamic. My partner knows to give me the information I need to make decisions on whether a scene will keep going or not; from that point I choose whether he comes down or not. This isn't something I suggest for newbies. This is simply the way he and I live. This is something we've discussed at length and decided for ourselves. There is a great deal of trust that goes into something like that, on both sides of the coin. He has to trust that I'm not going to go past what he can handled and I have to trust that he isn't going to turn around and call foul on me.
Whether you decide to play with or without safewords, I hope that at least know you have a little more knowledge to make an informed decision on whether you should use them or not. If you have questions, please feel free to post them in the comment section.
-Stay positive
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