Common Terms and Phrases in BDSM

Now that we’ve covered the basics of BDSM, what are some common terms one might hear in the lifestyle?

A Scene, or Play, is when two or more people are involved in an activity related to BDSM during a specific time period (usually anywhere from a few minutes to a couple hours, but rarely longer than that). An example of a “scene” might be someone giving their partner spankings or tying them up.

Negotiation is a conversation (or series of conversations) that happen before play occurs between two or more people. This is a great time for discussing the things each of you are interested in, not interested in, or possibly interested in. This is not the time to try to convince someone to do the things you want to do to or with them.

Safewords are commonly used throughout the BDSM lifestyle as an alternative way to say “no” or “stop.” Why do this rather than actually saying “no” or “stop?” For some there is an extra thrill to knowing that their “no” might not be valid once activity starts, but they still need a way to end things (if they do go too far). This is all discussed before anything starts, and is in no way a requirement to have a good time. Always be comfortable in what you’re doing before you take away your default method for getting help.

Play parties are parties set up (typically in someone’s home) where people go to spend time with others in the BDSM lifestyle in a relatively private setting. Usually there is some furniture available specifically for bondage and other forms of play.

Munches are vanilla friendly get-togethers for kinky people that are typically held at some form of restaurant. They serve as a safe meet-and-greet situation, especially for those new to their local community, where you can get to know other lifestyle people without feeling pressured to get involved with any type of play. In some cases the goal is just socialization, but many offer classes and lead discussions as well as a way to spread announcements for the local community.

Public dungeons and other public play-spaces are businesses that offer safe places for people to engage in BDSM activities. While the rules for access for each place may be different, typically they require some form of membership to enter in order to keep within city code limitations. Most dungeons and public play spaces also offer a variety of classes, both classroom and one-on-one setting, to help educate their local communities on a variety of BDSM related topics. They are often also a great place to find BDSM related toys and equipment available for purchase.

“Play partner” is the term for people who engage in scenes together, but don’t have an intimate or d/s (dominant/submissive) relationship outside of that.

Toys are the implements and items used in various BDSM related activities (such as whips, crops, canes, and rope). When these items are kept in a suitcase or bag for ease of being able to carry them, it is called a “toy bag.”

Next up: Types of play!

Stay positive!